April 19th..The day I lost my mom.

I've been trying to write this blog for what seems like a year. The thought of it always sent me into a fit of tears. However, writing is therapeutic and I just have to get through it. I'm going to make this pretty short, shorter than that day was for me.

On Tuesday, April 19, 2011 my mom passed away very unexpectedly. I spoke to her that morning at 8:30am, but I had to cut the conversation really short because I was walking into my office. We chatted like two minutes about Easter and hiding eggs for my nephew. I told her I'd call her back around lunch-time so we could finish up the plans. I never spoke to her again after that. My dad and sister got home about 1:30pm and she was on the couch looked to be napping but she was gone. Her heart just stopped. Nothing disturbed in the home, no struggle, nothing. That was the most devastating day of my life. My mom gone. How could this be she wasn't sick, she was strong and always ready for a party or a day out on the town. My mom and my dad had just went to a jazz festival that Friday, she hung out Saturday with her sisters church on Sunday...just like normal so how could this be?

She was diagnosed with Congested Heart Failure like 10 years ago but she took meds daily and had just had a Dr. appt about 2 weeks before and she was fine. My mom turned 57 on March 1st and was gone from our lives one month and 18 days later.

My mom was so vibrant not sickly at all. Loved her family and was the core of our lives. I regret so many things about that last conversation...I didn't say I love you when we got off the phone and I was rushing her off b/c I had to get to work. I would have told her so many things had I known our time was so limited.

The words "shocked to the core" pale in description when I think of losing my mom. I was not prepared to navigate life without her. I knew she wasn't immortal but I just never thought I'd lose my mom this early in life. She was my longest relationship, my first love so to think she would leave me like that is unbearable. I still cry everyday at some point of the day....not all day but every.single.day.

I pray for strength and understanding b/c I'm angry that she is gone. I know I'll make it through because she raised me to be strong and resilient. Even with that upbringing I'm still human. She was my mom...this is just something I could have never prepared for in a million years.

I don't know what I'm going to do without her. I miss her every.single.day.

Let's Play Catch-Up!

I've been so busy! A lot has transpired but most important is I got a puppy and I LOVE him! My friend referred me to Great Dane Rescue of North Texas. We went through the process, application, phone interview and home visit. We passed with flying colors and we were partially match with a dane-mix named Karson. I say partially b/c since he wasn't a pure-breed Great Dane we were hesitate as were they but his temperament matched our lifestyle flawlessly. We set a meeting to visit him at his foster home in Plano and it was love at first bark. We think he is a Great Dane-Boxer mix but whatever he is he is a perfect mix for us. We brought him home that day on 4/2/11 and re-named him "Roman". He's b/t 18 months-2 years according to his teeth. He was on death-row in a Palestine animal shelter. The shelter called Dane rescue and a volunteer drove 2 hours to get him. When she saw him she realized he may not be full Dane but didn't have the heart to leave him. Now I'm thanking God for that sweet sweet volunteer! Today marks a week with our pup and he is a freaking joy just like me! Everyone loves him! Even my nephew who I was nervous about b/c even though he is not Great Dane big he's still Big Dog BIG! Needless to say there was
no need to worry because they got along famously!





I've also mastered the art of getting my butt to boot camp at least 4x a week! I even went 5x last week. I'm extremely stoked that I've been able to keep my promise to myself. It is VERY hard getting up at 4:55am 3-4 times a weeks in order to make 5:30 boot camp but I've been doing it! I'm just hoping it'll pay off big!

The house is coming along fine. I finally bought my bedding so I'm fully much more settled. I planted some lilies and other flowers last Sunday so the yard is coming along. I'm just so happy being in our own place, it's very surreal!

My new job is going well. It's so weird being in a totally different field but I'm learning. I DO NOT like working full-hours again though! Ugh that part really sucks!
I'm still "technically" working for the placement company for 3 more weeks but after that I will be permanent. Once that occurs I'll pass on a little news :-)

First Try at Gardening/Planting! LOL

So today was my first go at gardening/planting EVER! It was a beautiful day and Tommy and I decided to go to our new date spot Home Depot. We bought some gardening tools, waterhose, some African Daisies (deep burgandy and a deep purple), a new planter, gardening gloves for me and some planting soil.

BEFORE



AFTER



AFTER



We just wanted to do something small to start with since it was such a beautiful day. I poured myself a glass of wine and of course beer for Tommy, cranked up our Bose system and got down and dirty. I must say thoroughly enjoyed it. We have a long way to go but today was a good start. Not too overwhelming and it was fun. It's nice to do something that's all our own! I even took some before and after pictures.

It's nothing fancy yet but it's a start and it'll only get better. I'm going to add some hydranges and some lilies next and fresh ground cover all the way around. Stay tuned!


BEFORE


AFTER


DURING

Pup or no Pup...Now that's the Question!

Tommy and I always said when we bought our first house we'd get a puppy. We both like BIG DOGS. So the more we settled in and the more we spoke in spells about getting our first pup. We both are interested in a Great Dane. Yeah I know they are big as a house but I have always had big dogs, mostly German Shepherds. I know GDs are wayyyyyyy bigger but I still want one. Small dogs are OK but I just like the safety I feel with bigger dogs, even if they are push-overs. Plus when Tommy travels it will help me feel safer without feeling like I always have to have a houseguest. Anyway so I mentioned wanting a pup to my friend the other day at brunch and she told us about Great Danes of North Texas Rescue.

So I contacted them on Tuesday and did an application for adoption online. I received a couple of emails with information and on Wednesday I got the call for a phone interview. It went well and they explained in more detail how the match-making process played out. The rep told me I'd be contacted for a home visit soon. Well soon came pretty quick and I was contacted the next day! So tomorrow at 1:00 we have our home visit and the rep actually brings their own great dane. So I'm excited and nervous b/c I'll actually have a huge dog in my home and I'm OCD. This however is a wonderful idea b/c I'll be able to get a feel of what it'll be like to have a HUGE dog in my home. We'll see how it goes! Wish us luck!

Awww So That's It...

My patio and front doors are both open...there are wonderful breezes going in and out of my house. Birds are chirping and my trees have new beautiful violet blooms. I'm listening to light chimes from my chandelier while sitting on my chaise and when I close my eyes I feel overwhelmed with joy...This is "THAT" feeling everyone was telling me about. Homeownership...I must admit it does feel really nice.

**Blessed**

Back to working full-time!

Most of you know I left my firm last year after 10.5 years. July 31st was my last physical day there and August 31st was my last day on call. I was off 4 months before I started going hay-wire. Yes I got bored....maybe it would have been different if alllllllll my friends didn't work full-time. Or maybe it would have been different if I were a millionaire. Who knows.

So at the beginning of December I went to a placement agency on December 2ND and on December 3RD they called me to tell me they had a 10 week assignment that started on Monday. So after 4 months off I was back at work but it was only part-time which is exactly what I wanted. The schedule was Mon-Tues from 8:30-5:30 and Wednesday 8:30-12:30 then I was off the rest of the week! Now who wouldn't love that!

After 2 weeks I was getting buzz that the lady I was temping for who was on maternity leave may not come back. So they started feeling me out...you know planting seeds and I had noooooooo interest! Well turns out she didn't come back...so I'm approached strongly to go FT and I'm hesitate but then I hear about their wonderful insurance...then I see their benefits package!!! HOLY SMOKES BATMAN! I've always heard of fabulous company that had crazy benefits and low and behold that's exactly what I stumbled into. Needless to say BEFORE I knew about the benefits I told them I'd do a 30 day extension and then after that I'd determine whether I'd go FT (yes I like to play hard to get). Well now I'm TOTALLY going FT! I'm already on my husband's insurance but it's just OK but this new company well let's just say it had an unexpected gem. I don't want to speak too prematurely b/f I get more details but I think I may have hit the goldmine people!!! SCORE!

Slide Hug Huh?!

To be married to my husband is wonderful HOWEVERRRRRRRR he can go from being a uber responsible career driven brilliant man to being a 12 year old boy in 2.5 seconds. Lord! He has some major quirks...not serious ones but just silly! They always get my attention whether negative or positive!

He LOVES to cuss but of course can't in a corporate environment so when he gets home what does he do??? Yep you guessed it he curses his ass off (no pawn intended)! For instance he'll be washing the dishes and he'll sing this little ditty that he wrote himself (singing) " Babyyyyyyy why you always got make so many MOTHERF*CKING dishesssssssss. You know I hate doing all these MOTHERF*CKING dishes". Yeah just put that on repeat and run with it.

He re-tells my stories!! UGH it drives me freaking insane!! I can JUST tell a story to a group and he will re-tell it right after me! I mean not even a minute wait time in between! He says I do more of a trailer and he does more of a storyyyyyyyyyy! WTF dude it's my story no one needs you to repeat what I JUST SAID! Dork!

He's a conversation-hog!!! Watching him in a conversation is like watching that dude on the side waiting for his turn in a double-dutch competition (insert mental pic here). He's literally like jumping back and forward waiting..or should I say trying to wait his turn to speak. It's hard to watch I tell ya just painful. He cuts people off, he's long-winded...oh it's so bad. So much to the point where if we are sitting down I squeeze his knee. It's a sign, kinda like "baby shut your freaking pie-hole so people don't think you're an ass"! All said with love mind you..all said with love.

I mean I have a million of them but we'll just move on to the latest thing. The past couple of weeks he has invented this new "annoying" thing he deemed "The Slide Hug". Yeah WTF is right! He puts his crocheted slippers on (his sister made us both a pair for Xmas and there hella comfortable). So he puts on these slippers and he gets a good distance away from me and then he what....he slidessssssssssssss into me then hugs me. Doesn't sound that annoying right but try every time I freaking see this dude. We have hardwoods through-out so I have no safe place to hide. He'll sneak up on me from behind with it or he'll do it with an announcement. I could be washing dishes, vacuuming the floor, cooking, doing laundry just whatever! It doesn't matter what I'm doing or where I am he's coming for me. He does it in his pjs, in his business suit hell he's even done it in the nude! I've opened the door from the bathroom to find him waiting in the hall to slide-hug me! So if you were a fly on the wall you'd hear this at least 5 times a day "DUDE DO NOTTTTTTTTT FREAKING SLIDE HUG ME DAMMIT"! It's to the point where I erupted into laughter the other day b/c I tried to walk down the hall and he was waiting for me. He was standing to the side with his neck cocked as if he was an outlaw in the Old West. I lost it and he did too. I guess telling him I didn't like it made it more appealing...why? B/c he's 12!! So now I guess I have to start liking the slide-hug until he moves on to the next thing.

Ugh what am I going to do with this man? I digress (head down, walking off).

Crazy Times...Crazy Times

The weather in Dallas has been a total "B"!!! It's been cold and we've been having all this white stuff falling from the sky! Some call it sleet, ice and/or snow! As for me I call it a MF-ing inconvenience!!!! I was stuck in the house for like 3 days straight! Talk about your cabin fever! UGH! I'm sure it was minor for some outside of Texas but here we don't DO winter (flicking my finger-tips in the air)! If and when it occurs we shut the entire city down! I'm talking closing schools, offices the whole nine! It just doesn't work for us. Our major shut-down was last week during Superbowl week and man.....talk about embarrassing!

This was my FB post the Monday after Superbowl:
Dear Dallas,
I'm a little embarrassed. Crappy weather, ice falling on ppl, botched sound system, fans not getting into the stadium bc of tool fire marshall! I cld go on & on...in the words of Kevin Hart we just didn't look good as a unit!!!! I just don't see us getting a do-over! Ugh I digress!

It really was about the worst experience ever for Dallas! Not to mention now the hundreds of displaced fans are filing a law-suit. UGHHHHHHHHHH!

Moving on:
This week we had a snow day yesterday but it has since melted and we have nothing but clear skies ahead! I'm so thankful because this Sunday is my hubby's 35th birthday and I'm giving him a party at a bowling alley on Saturday. He REALLY loves to bowl and normally I'm a little more high-brow with his parties. Always a dinner party at a trendy spot, no kids, maybe dancing after. This year it will be family-friendly and during the day and then maybe after we will go to a club to kick it up a notch. I just can't believe the man is about to be 35!!! We met a week before his 30th birthday and now it's like slowwwwwwww down years!!! Craziness I tell ya! I'm excited for him though. I'm glad we'll have good weather and I'm sure a very good turn out. He is always so surprised at how much support we have for any and everything we do. I know he secretly loves being fussed over! I mean hell don't we all! I have a lot of little sweet surprises for him all weekend. Not to mention Valentines day is on Monday but he always plans that so I have nothing to worry about b/c he always does the sweetest things!

Well I'm off I have so many errands to run and a little girly pampering for myself! Ya know nails, mani, pedi, hair, etc...... I LOVE BEING A GIRL!

Giuliana and Bill

I just watched my recordings for Giuliana and Bill and it was this past season that ended about 3 weeks ago. She has fertility problems and had a sucessful IVF cycle, became pregnant and miscarried 8 weeks later. It was so hard to watch. She and her best friend were PG at the same time and she had to give her BF a babyshower that was intitally going to be a joint shower. She made it through it w/o breaking down and I was so proud of her b/c I couldn't imagine!

They waited a few months to try again, did another fresh cycle instead of using their frozen embryos and she had 15 follicles that all had eggs in them!!!! WOWZERS! They harvested and then that night she had to be rushed to the hospital for ovarian hytertension! It was so hard to watch! So they waited a few weeks to do the transfer and then two weeks later got the call that it didn't take. Again, it was SO HARD to watch. It was so devasting but it was real and raw. My eyes watered up a few times but no tears fell so I thought that was progress on my part b/c now-a-days I cry at the drop of a hat. It just gave me even more understanding that I'm not alone and that my feelings are valid.

I can't wait for next season. They have such a sweet marriage and are very supportive of one another and her husband reminds me of mine. I'm glad she has that support b/c fertility can break you down if you let it! Trust me I know.

If you haven't seen the show watch it on-line on the Style website or maybe Hulu. It's theraputic and we all need a little therapy now and then right!

I MUST retract my previous post!

Talk about your BAD and DESPERATE days! Gosh I was a freaking emotional maniac yesterday!

I guess I could have just deleted that horrible blog but hey this my journey and one day when I look back on this I want to remember everything. The HIGH HIGHSSSSS AND THE low lowwwwwww!

I came un-glued last night and my husband had a "COME TO JESUS" meeting with me and I needed it. I was lost and becoming more desperate as each minute passed. He said things to me that he said before but this time I believe I really heard him. I listened...I absorbed...I accepted. I released most of the guilt I felt about the whole infertility thing. Honestly I wouldn't love my husband any less if he was the one with the issue. So why couldn't I believe he didn't love me any less, or that he didn't regret marrying someone who was infertile. He married me for ME not to have kids. So after thinking about my life I realized that I LOVE being married and I can't jeopardize our happiness. We are already a "family" just me and him and if children come we'd love it but if they don't we LOVE each other. Frankly, that's all I need.

Crumpling...

They say God never gives you more than you can handle. Well if that's the case he sure is testing my strength and I'm failing miserably. Due to the constant break-downs I'm having I'd say I'm officially at my breaking point and I can't handle anything else. I'm folding under the pressure.

I know now that if I don't give up on my own that I'm going to drive myself crazy. I'm becoming withdrawn and I can feel myself slipping into a depressive state yet again. I was able to dig myself out before but this time around I'm not sure if I can do it. The more I hold on to hope the more I get "reminders" that motherhood just may not be in the cards for me. My fear is if I don't let it go willingly and accept it now that I'm setting myself up for a massive fail later. A fail that will ultimately destroy me and possibly my marriage. So no maternity pictures showing off my baby-bump or decorating a nursery. No pitter-patter of little feet around my house or being called mommy. No yearly family pictures showing off our growing household. No extension of myself or my husband. That's just not going to be our path.

So with that being said on the night of January 24, 2011 I curled up on my sofa alone...sobbed as quietly as possible...and then I "willingly" accepted my defeat.

Imperfect Perfectionist (Part 2)

I've been up since 2:45am and it is now 4:45am....I have some sought of random case of insomnia. It happens when my mind is unable to rest. I know why I'm up this time though...hell I know why I'm up most times. Fertility has been on my mind A LOT and I just can't shake it. In the last two weeks pregnancy has been all over the news celeb-wise. Kate Hudson, Natalie Portman, Jennifer Connelly, Alicia Silverstone, Tia Mowry, Jane Krakowski and Khloe Kardashian is rumored to be PG again. That's just to name a few that I was bombarded with last week alone! Oh and last night I heard Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban just had another daughter via surrogate. Yeah! That was a mouth full! Now I'm happy for all these people but I was like REALLY! The one day I have on entertainment news I get punched in the gut repeatedly. Then I found out one of my FB friends is prego with her second and I'm OVER-JOYED for her b/c she had fertility issues as well. Oh oh and my husband's 21 yr old niece is pregnant with her second child as well.

That brings me back to being a perfectionist but an imperfect one at that! It's hard to not be able to do something that should be natural. It's hard not having that perfect puzzle piece. I just feel so broken. I get tired of being tired about the entire situation but I can't help how I feel. It haunts me which is why I'm always up at the wee hours of the morning. It's times like this I wonder how I'm going to handle it if this never happens for us.

You know I used to wake up at the wee hours of the morning with my nephew and unlike most I loved it. Hearing that cranky little cry was music to me. I'd pick him up and all was right with the world. It didn't bother me that I was sleep deprived the first year of his life. I think I kind of looked forward to "our time". Yeah I had to work the next morning but it didn't matter....time stood still and it was our bonding time alone. Just me and him--the shift nobody wanted but I adored.

I feel like I wake up wishing I was getting up to cuddle my little one instead of surfing the Internet looking for loop-holes in fertility coverage. It doesn't seem fair...it's far from the wants of a perfectionist no matter how imperfect I am. I want to be a mommy but I don't want "the want" to consume me however sometimes I just get swallowed up. I cry a lot....to myself...by myself. Most times while my husband's asleep as to not make him feel helpless. There's no point in both of us being distraught right? Even when I share my feelings, I'm still alone. My own private tragedy that frankly I just try to navigate solely and as graciously as possible. I deal with it on my own in the wee hours of the morning with a tear soaked pillow, or keyboard and quick short breathes. Instead of being up at this time soothing a little one's tears I'm up trying to soothe my own. Imperfect much? Yeah I'd say so...

Imperfect Perfectionist

In the words of my friend Jocelyn "To Know Me Is To Know" that I try to make most things in my life perfect. May not be every body's perfect but it's my perfect. From the dishes in my cupboard that have to be facing a certain way, stacked a certain height and mostly all white. To my fridge that has the same storyline- everything faces forward, precise stacking and arranging is a must. My house always looks like I've JUST done a massive cleaning and it's all for me. Not guests, not my husband...just for me. It's my sanity. If my house is out of order than it must mean my life is too.

Even when I'm sick it needs to be clean and tidy b/c I believe that speeds up my recovery! Some call it OCD, some call it insanity....some like to tell me it will all change when I have children. Maybe for some but not for me. My nephew can be here for a week or two and run amok with toys strewn all over the place but before we lay our heads down it gets picked up! We sing the clean-up song and all is right with the world. He's happy, auntie's happy and we do it all again the next day! I believe it will be the same with my own kids b/c a happy me has to have clean surroundings. I'm not a loon, I do have slacker days but my dirty is other's clean. That's not my conclusion it was told to me by friends/associates/family basically anyone that knows me. They've always say that and I have started to agree.

I'm saying this to say that I know I have to be loose and go with the flow and I do but in my world perfection is in the eye of the beholder and my eyes see everything.

What!? I just don't see it.

Ok so I've been called a brat, spoiled, dramatic, difficult and "special" all b/c I like things a certain way.

Case & Point:

OH YES I LOVE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES BUT NOT TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE: I love chocolate chip cookies but I don't like a lot of chocolate chips in them. My former colleague used to bake a lot and she inquired as to what cookies I liked. I said " chocolate chip but with only like 3 chocolate chips in them spaced a good distance apart". Well that became a running joke at my firm and even though we haven't worked together for like 5 years she still calls/text whenever she bakes CCCs b/c she thinks about me! Ha! Whatever I don't want to be over chocolatized! It's just too damn traumatic!

WHY IS THERE FRUIT IN MY FRUIT PIE: I used to loveeeeeeeeeeeeee peach cobbler! Now it's just OK to have every now and then but when my mom makes it I always tell her to HOLD THE PEACHES (which she now announces whenever she makes pie for me)! Ummm yeah I don't really like cooked fruit...I do the same with apple pie, blackberry pie, etc...I like all the crust and the juice and fruit remnants but not the whole pieces. Again I say what's the problem!

I DON'T LIKE BIG MEAT: Yeah yeah I know it sounds funny but I don't like thick hamburger patties or thick sliced anything really...if the meat is too big it tastes too...ummmm meaty. It's ok with steak b/c I can slice it thinly...yeah I guess I could do that with hamburger and other things but I won't.


That brings me to the incident the other night which led to my husband saying I was a brat. I asked him to bring me some chicken tenders from this place that I hadn't eaten at in ages. He gets home with the food and I'm starving!!! I open the box and there lies 5 of the BIGGEST F-ING CHICKEN TENDERS I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!!

The following conversation ensues:

Me: Ummmmm hells no! I'm not eating that (all said with my arms folded) the meat is too dang big!
Husband:(rolls eyes) "Star are you serious?"
Me: As a heart attack! I can't eat that big meat! It makes me angry (storms off)
Husband:(walking behind me) OK WHAT DO YOU WANT. I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU GO HUNGRY (all said b/t his teeth)
Me:(arms still folded) I'm not in a third world country dear so I won't just go hungry!
Husband: STAR!!!!!
Me: (insert girlish giggle here) Ummm a burger from around the corner b/c they have little meat!

Husband exits and I skip off to my room to await my new food! So again I just don't see why I get the whole brat label (side eye)

Confessing in front of a room full of fellow brats.Hi my name is Star and I'm a spoiled, difficult, dramatic, "special" brat and I'm OK with that (walks off, goes shopping)

It's a New Year and I'm hoping for a pretty Great one!

Happy New Year Everyone!

I was just thinking the other day "I wonder what this year will have in store for my husband and I"???!! I'm really excited about the possibilities. We finally got our first home at the end of last year and I'm loving it! Finally our own little haven! It's truly a great feeling! This year I'm definitely hoping for a baby. Hoping to get my procedure done as soon as I can. I'm hoping before my birthday so we can have a spring baby but if money allows it to happen early then so be it b/c I'm wayyyy behind since we want more than one! We are going to have to budget our butts off for this one since we decided to get our house first! Besides that I'm just going to continue the same principles I did last year which were the following:

*Love my husband inside and out and continue to keep our relationship strong
*Save money
*Exercise regularly

I was able to accomplish all that last year and it worked out well! We ended up getting the house with our savings instead of the baby so this year HAS to be the BABY YEAR!

I'm also adding a couple more things to round it out:

*Read more ( I always LOVED books but got too busy in life and forgot about that joy)
*Paint more (I haven't painted in a while and I need to get back to that)

(X-MAS)

Xmas-was good. We drove all around in the days leading up to Xmas- we always go see his family whose all split up so we have Xmas Eve Eve and Xmas Eve there and then drive back Xmas morning to be with my fam. We logged about 700 miles and WE ARE NOT doing that for a few years. I'll be celebrating in my own home starting next Xmas with our own traditions and I'm super excited!

Tommy and I celebrated our Xmas on New Years Eve with a gift exchange just between us. It was modest due to purchasing a new home right b/f Thanksgiving but it was beautiful. We exchange a few gifts that morning and then gave each little gifts through-out the day. A lot of books for us to read and some books that we will read together. It was really nice!

I'm very glad the holidays are over! I love them but GEE-ZUS it's so complicated! ha ha

We also had a New Years Eve gathering at our home. A game night with a few friends and family. I cooked dinner and we stayed up to 6:00am playing games, listening to music and eating! We had a blast! Tommy's favorite holiday is NYE so I try to something no matter how small. It was about 10 of us and we had a great time together! Small and intimate just like we like it!

Well I hope everyone had wonderful holiday season and let's make 2011 the best year yet!!

(sorry this blog was all over the place but I was trying to do a quick catch-up)