January 27, 2011

Giuliana and Bill

I just watched my recordings for Giuliana and Bill and it was this past season that ended about 3 weeks ago. She has fertility problems and had a sucessful IVF cycle, became pregnant and miscarried 8 weeks later. It was so hard to watch. She and her best friend were PG at the same time and she had to give her BF a babyshower that was intitally going to be a joint shower. She made it through it w/o breaking down and I was so proud of her b/c I couldn't imagine!

They waited a few months to try again, did another fresh cycle instead of using their frozen embryos and she had 15 follicles that all had eggs in them!!!! WOWZERS! They harvested and then that night she had to be rushed to the hospital for ovarian hytertension! It was so hard to watch! So they waited a few weeks to do the transfer and then two weeks later got the call that it didn't take. Again, it was SO HARD to watch. It was so devasting but it was real and raw. My eyes watered up a few times but no tears fell so I thought that was progress on my part b/c now-a-days I cry at the drop of a hat. It just gave me even more understanding that I'm not alone and that my feelings are valid.

I can't wait for next season. They have such a sweet marriage and are very supportive of one another and her husband reminds me of mine. I'm glad she has that support b/c fertility can break you down if you let it! Trust me I know.

If you haven't seen the show watch it on-line on the Style website or maybe Hulu. It's theraputic and we all need a little therapy now and then right!

January 26, 2011

I MUST retract my previous post!

Talk about your BAD and DESPERATE days! Gosh I was a freaking emotional maniac yesterday!

I guess I could have just deleted that horrible blog but hey this my journey and one day when I look back on this I want to remember everything. The HIGH HIGHSSSSS AND THE low lowwwwwww!

I came un-glued last night and my husband had a "COME TO JESUS" meeting with me and I needed it. I was lost and becoming more desperate as each minute passed. He said things to me that he said before but this time I believe I really heard him. I listened...I absorbed...I accepted. I released most of the guilt I felt about the whole infertility thing. Honestly I wouldn't love my husband any less if he was the one with the issue. So why couldn't I believe he didn't love me any less, or that he didn't regret marrying someone who was infertile. He married me for ME not to have kids. So after thinking about my life I realized that I LOVE being married and I can't jeopardize our happiness. We are already a "family" just me and him and if children come we'd love it but if they don't we LOVE each other. Frankly, that's all I need.

January 25, 2011


They say God never gives you more than you can handle. Well if that's the case he sure is testing my strength and I'm failing miserably. Due to the constant break-downs I'm having I'd say I'm officially at my breaking point and I can't handle anything else. I'm folding under the pressure.

I know now that if I don't give up on my own that I'm going to drive myself crazy. I'm becoming withdrawn and I can feel myself slipping into a depressive state yet again. I was able to dig myself out before but this time around I'm not sure if I can do it. The more I hold on to hope the more I get "reminders" that motherhood just may not be in the cards for me. My fear is if I don't let it go willingly and accept it now that I'm setting myself up for a massive fail later. A fail that will ultimately destroy me and possibly my marriage. So no maternity pictures showing off my baby-bump or decorating a nursery. No pitter-patter of little feet around my house or being called mommy. No yearly family pictures showing off our growing household. No extension of myself or my husband. That's just not going to be our path.

So with that being said on the night of January 24, 2011 I curled up on my sofa alone...sobbed as quietly as possible...and then I "willingly" accepted my defeat.

January 18, 2011

Imperfect Perfectionist (Part 2)

I've been up since 2:45am and it is now 4:45am....I have some sought of random case of insomnia. It happens when my mind is unable to rest. I know why I'm up this time though...hell I know why I'm up most times. Fertility has been on my mind A LOT and I just can't shake it. In the last two weeks pregnancy has been all over the news celeb-wise. Kate Hudson, Natalie Portman, Jennifer Connelly, Alicia Silverstone, Tia Mowry, Jane Krakowski and Khloe Kardashian is rumored to be PG again. That's just to name a few that I was bombarded with last week alone! Oh and last night I heard Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban just had another daughter via surrogate. Yeah! That was a mouth full! Now I'm happy for all these people but I was like REALLY! The one day I have on entertainment news I get punched in the gut repeatedly. Then I found out one of my FB friends is prego with her second and I'm OVER-JOYED for her b/c she had fertility issues as well. Oh oh and my husband's 21 yr old niece is pregnant with her second child as well.

That brings me back to being a perfectionist but an imperfect one at that! It's hard to not be able to do something that should be natural. It's hard not having that perfect puzzle piece. I just feel so broken. I get tired of being tired about the entire situation but I can't help how I feel. It haunts me which is why I'm always up at the wee hours of the morning. It's times like this I wonder how I'm going to handle it if this never happens for us.

You know I used to wake up at the wee hours of the morning with my nephew and unlike most I loved it. Hearing that cranky little cry was music to me. I'd pick him up and all was right with the world. It didn't bother me that I was sleep deprived the first year of his life. I think I kind of looked forward to "our time". Yeah I had to work the next morning but it didn't matter....time stood still and it was our bonding time alone. Just me and him--the shift nobody wanted but I adored.

I feel like I wake up wishing I was getting up to cuddle my little one instead of surfing the Internet looking for loop-holes in fertility coverage. It doesn't seem fair...it's far from the wants of a perfectionist no matter how imperfect I am. I want to be a mommy but I don't want "the want" to consume me however sometimes I just get swallowed up. I cry a lot....to myself...by myself. Most times while my husband's asleep as to not make him feel helpless. There's no point in both of us being distraught right? Even when I share my feelings, I'm still alone. My own private tragedy that frankly I just try to navigate solely and as graciously as possible. I deal with it on my own in the wee hours of the morning with a tear soaked pillow, or keyboard and quick short breathes. Instead of being up at this time soothing a little one's tears I'm up trying to soothe my own. Imperfect much? Yeah I'd say so...

January 17, 2011

Imperfect Perfectionist

In the words of my friend Jocelyn "To Know Me Is To Know" that I try to make most things in my life perfect. May not be every body's perfect but it's my perfect. From the dishes in my cupboard that have to be facing a certain way, stacked a certain height and mostly all white. To my fridge that has the same storyline- everything faces forward, precise stacking and arranging is a must. My house always looks like I've JUST done a massive cleaning and it's all for me. Not guests, not my husband...just for me. It's my sanity. If my house is out of order than it must mean my life is too.

Even when I'm sick it needs to be clean and tidy b/c I believe that speeds up my recovery! Some call it OCD, some call it insanity....some like to tell me it will all change when I have children. Maybe for some but not for me. My nephew can be here for a week or two and run amok with toys strewn all over the place but before we lay our heads down it gets picked up! We sing the clean-up song and all is right with the world. He's happy, auntie's happy and we do it all again the next day! I believe it will be the same with my own kids b/c a happy me has to have clean surroundings. I'm not a loon, I do have slacker days but my dirty is other's clean. That's not my conclusion it was told to me by friends/associates/family basically anyone that knows me. They've always say that and I have started to agree.

I'm saying this to say that I know I have to be loose and go with the flow and I do but in my world perfection is in the eye of the beholder and my eyes see everything.

January 7, 2011

What!? I just don't see it.

Ok so I've been called a brat, spoiled, dramatic, difficult and "special" all b/c I like things a certain way.

Case & Point:

OH YES I LOVE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES BUT NOT TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE: I love chocolate chip cookies but I don't like a lot of chocolate chips in them. My former colleague used to bake a lot and she inquired as to what cookies I liked. I said " chocolate chip but with only like 3 chocolate chips in them spaced a good distance apart". Well that became a running joke at my firm and even though we haven't worked together for like 5 years she still calls/text whenever she bakes CCCs b/c she thinks about me! Ha! Whatever I don't want to be over chocolatized! It's just too damn traumatic!

WHY IS THERE FRUIT IN MY FRUIT PIE: I used to loveeeeeeeeeeeeee peach cobbler! Now it's just OK to have every now and then but when my mom makes it I always tell her to HOLD THE PEACHES (which she now announces whenever she makes pie for me)! Ummm yeah I don't really like cooked fruit...I do the same with apple pie, blackberry pie, etc...I like all the crust and the juice and fruit remnants but not the whole pieces. Again I say what's the problem!

I DON'T LIKE BIG MEAT: Yeah yeah I know it sounds funny but I don't like thick hamburger patties or thick sliced anything really...if the meat is too big it tastes too...ummmm meaty. It's ok with steak b/c I can slice it thinly...yeah I guess I could do that with hamburger and other things but I won't.

That brings me to the incident the other night which led to my husband saying I was a brat. I asked him to bring me some chicken tenders from this place that I hadn't eaten at in ages. He gets home with the food and I'm starving!!! I open the box and there lies 5 of the BIGGEST F-ING CHICKEN TENDERS I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!!

The following conversation ensues:

Me: Ummmmm hells no! I'm not eating that (all said with my arms folded) the meat is too dang big!
Husband:(rolls eyes) "Star are you serious?"
Me: As a heart attack! I can't eat that big meat! It makes me angry (storms off)
Husband:(walking behind me) OK WHAT DO YOU WANT. I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU GO HUNGRY (all said b/t his teeth)
Me:(arms still folded) I'm not in a third world country dear so I won't just go hungry!
Husband: STAR!!!!!
Me: (insert girlish giggle here) Ummm a burger from around the corner b/c they have little meat!

Husband exits and I skip off to my room to await my new food! So again I just don't see why I get the whole brat label (side eye)

Confessing in front of a room full of fellow brats.Hi my name is Star and I'm a spoiled, difficult, dramatic, "special" brat and I'm OK with that (walks off, goes shopping)

January 2, 2011

It's a New Year and I'm hoping for a pretty Great one!

Happy New Year Everyone!

I was just thinking the other day "I wonder what this year will have in store for my husband and I"???!! I'm really excited about the possibilities. We finally got our first home at the end of last year and I'm loving it! Finally our own little haven! It's truly a great feeling! This year I'm definitely hoping for a baby. Hoping to get my procedure done as soon as I can. I'm hoping before my birthday so we can have a spring baby but if money allows it to happen early then so be it b/c I'm wayyyy behind since we want more than one! We are going to have to budget our butts off for this one since we decided to get our house first! Besides that I'm just going to continue the same principles I did last year which were the following:

*Love my husband inside and out and continue to keep our relationship strong
*Save money
*Exercise regularly

I was able to accomplish all that last year and it worked out well! We ended up getting the house with our savings instead of the baby so this year HAS to be the BABY YEAR!

I'm also adding a couple more things to round it out:

*Read more ( I always LOVED books but got too busy in life and forgot about that joy)
*Paint more (I haven't painted in a while and I need to get back to that)


Xmas-was good. We drove all around in the days leading up to Xmas- we always go see his family whose all split up so we have Xmas Eve Eve and Xmas Eve there and then drive back Xmas morning to be with my fam. We logged about 700 miles and WE ARE NOT doing that for a few years. I'll be celebrating in my own home starting next Xmas with our own traditions and I'm super excited!

Tommy and I celebrated our Xmas on New Years Eve with a gift exchange just between us. It was modest due to purchasing a new home right b/f Thanksgiving but it was beautiful. We exchange a few gifts that morning and then gave each little gifts through-out the day. A lot of books for us to read and some books that we will read together. It was really nice!

I'm very glad the holidays are over! I love them but GEE-ZUS it's so complicated! ha ha

We also had a New Years Eve gathering at our home. A game night with a few friends and family. I cooked dinner and we stayed up to 6:00am playing games, listening to music and eating! We had a blast! Tommy's favorite holiday is NYE so I try to something no matter how small. It was about 10 of us and we had a great time together! Small and intimate just like we like it!

Well I hope everyone had wonderful holiday season and let's make 2011 the best year yet!!

(sorry this blog was all over the place but I was trying to do a quick catch-up)