August 24, 2010

Second Guessing!

Last week I kept my nephew for a few days. He's a pretty normal fixture at my place but last week was different. It shed a lot of light on the whole parenting gig.

A little back story: Tommy and I are a one-car family right now. We have been for years b/c our first place had a train station downstairs and it LITERALLY dropped me off at the front door of my office. When we moved from there to downtown it just so happened that my office moved to a new building and that building is directly across the street from my residence. I literally walked out of my residential lobby across the street through a building and into the next. Approximately a 2 minute commute if that! So needless to say another car wasn't needed for work and my husband and I as cliche as it sounds are BFF and we spend a lot of time together.

While he was in NY I had the luxury of having the vehicle at my disposal and coming and going as needed. For instance when my nephew was here the week before last we had 3 play dates, story time at Barnes and Noble, lunches out, etc.
This past week was wayyyyyyy different b/c Tommy was here and working so he was gone during the day in the car. It was too hot for swimming in the day or the park. Too hot to travel for play dates and I was exhausted. My nephew was restless and I was exhausted to keep up. When Tommy got home each day around 7:30 he was tired but my nephew WASN'T and wanted his attention (as did I). After I'd cook or whatever they would both be sleep by like 9 or 9:30. So I had no time with my husband, no real interaction. Another day I had a dinner date with a girlfriend so when Tommy got here I was leaving and when I returned he and Key were once again sleep. The next I had a movie/dinner date with my cousin b/c our schedules kept clashing and that was an evening we both had free. Needless to say once I returned Tommy and Key were fed, showered and sleep AGAIN. OK, I'm starting to see a pattern.

So Friday morning my nephew and I walked to breakfast about 10 blocks away. We ate and stopped by the store on the way back for new pool toys. After nap time I took my nephew to the park cafe across the street for ice cream and a hot dog. Then we went to the pool and I was still exhausted just from entertaining him all week and trying to fit in my friends. Luckily there were tots at the pool and my nephew shared his toys and I could sit by the side and just watch him play. About 30 minutes later the tots left so I became as I had been all week his only "playmate". We stayed at the pool for hours and he was having a great time. Then I heard him say "Buddha"!!!! I looked and my husband was coming through the gate. He came home early and came down to be with us. It was very sweet b/c I know he was tired and could have used a nap without being disturbed since we had no idea he was home.

Anyway I said all that to say this:
We caught up at the pool, you know talked and just re-connected a bit and it made me think...A LOT! We dropped my nephew off at my mom's Saturday morning around 10:30, went to a meeting then back home b/c I was going out that night with my beautiful gays and a girlfriend. While I was getting dressed that evening my I asked my husband come into the bathroom while I was doing my hair. Now every 2-3 months I do a what I call "check-in" with my hubby. I ask him if he is happy, anything he wants to change, does he have any concerns, could I be doing anything better as a wife, etc...

That always starts pretty deep conversations for us and we use that ice-breaker as our little therapy session. He asked me if I had any concerns and I did....concerns about the baby situation. After realizing how tired I was, how tired he was, how easily irritated I was at times and just our lack of connection that entire week b/c we were so absorbed with my nephew and life in general. It made me nervous about what a full-time child(ren) could do to us. Tommy and I are VERY close and our connection to one another is strong but trying to balance it while being pulled by a tot was hard. I felt disconnected from my husband, clingy, irritable and I knew where it was stemming from. I had to share my husband not just with his job but also a child that had no worry about neither one of us being tired or not having alone time. It was difficult and I'm a bit of a spoiled brat so the adjustment was hard for me. I have never felt that as much as I did last week. We've had my nephew for numerous days at a time for almost 4 years now. I think 10 days was the longest and even then I didn't feel the disconnect like I did last week...nowhere near.

It made me fearful of what our lives would be like with children all the time. I see so many marriages just become so child-focused and honestly I don't want that. My husband and I are the foundation of our marriage and our family and if that cracks it will only be inevitable that "we" may disappear. That scares me. So now I find myself second-guessing my want for children. My intention is not to gain children at the cost of our relationship. Children change everything and honestly I'm not sure if I'm ready for change so permanent.

August 19, 2010

More baby news...I think I did better this time!

Went to dinner with a girlfriend this evening-

...and this is how it played out:

Waiter- Would you ladies like wine or cocktails?

Me- Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm let me check the drink menu

GF- ummm no thanks just water with lemon

Me- I'll have a glass of Riesling please

(waiter walks away)

GF- I wanted to tell you in person....I'm pregnant!

Me- (Gasp)...(mind swirling)...(heart fluttering)

Me- Oh my God, congratulations! (after I regained the power to speak)

I felt like I was going to cry but I didn't...
I truly had to talk myself down from shedding tears in a public place...
I felt my mood changing but I kept my composure...

Turns out she had an IUI last month (her first) and it worked!! It really was great news! She deserves it. She has been wanting to be a mother for a long time and I know she will be a great one! I was excited for her and even though I'm sad/anxious for myself, I was able to separate the two emotions. I guess that's a start right?

August 16, 2010

Today was looking up...then I received a midday blow.

Shortly after I posted my first blog entry today I got some news.

Good news? I guess to some.

A relative is pregnant. Was she "trying"...not to my knowledge but...

It's hard to be excited for her when the first thing that popped into my mind was me.

Wrong? Some might think so but for me this has been a very long two in a half years.

I have the ideal situation in my opinion. A loving husband who is a partner and who will be a wonderful dad, financially sound and totally ready for a family. However having to jump through hoops when others don't can be a bit hard to swallow at times.

I kept it together through-out our conversation, cracked a few jokes, showed interest and concern all while crying silently on the other end of the phone.

It honestly made me lose my breath. While on the phone with her my husband skyped in from his office here. Why skype at that idea. I told her I'd call her back (I didn't). My husband could see I was upset. I told him what had transpired and he of course apologized and felt helpless. It was awkward. I was embarrassed at my reaction but couldn't pull it together. I said my standard I don't want to talk response which was "I'm OK, it's no biggie". I told him I'd call him back (I didn't). Then my brother called...same scenario but by then I was crying so hard I could barely get my words out. Once again it was awkward. I was embarrassed at my reaction but couldn't pull it together. I said my standard I don't want to talk response which was "I'm OK, it's no biggie" and then I said I'd call him back (I didn't).

I went to the restroom and cried hysterically for what seemed like forever. I cleaned my face and then took a 4 hour nap and that's all I have to say about that.....

Life never ceases to amaze me!

A lot has transpired since my last blog.

As you can tell I was pretty defeated last Monday and here I am a week later and a lot has changed for the better!

It finally occurred to me (due to the fact my husband made it clear) that I can't control evvvvvvvvvvvvverything! Maybe it's a Cancer thing but I have a strong mind and being in control is a big deal in my world. I think the fact that I can't control my fertility makes me bananas! We will definitely get the IVF but obviously putting a time-line on it is just not feasible b/c life continues to happen. Being that we are paying for this 100% out of pocket (without dipping into savings/IRAs/retirement, etc) means we are going to hit some bumps that will slow us down. We refuse to acquire any debt starting our family so if it takes a few more be it. We are not trying to regret or resent any decision we make so we want to go into this the right way which to us equals the responsible way. I can't wait to be pregnant and share this experience with my husband however it'll just take a little longer than we thought.

On a good note: My husband is back home!!! His facility here in Dallas needed his attention so instead of being in NY full-time he'll go every 3rd week. He'll also assist remotely if needed. So it worked out great for us b/c we get to see each other on a regular basis even though he will be pulling crazy hours at the office. He'll be here for two weeks then head to ATL for a manager's meeting then back to NY for a week. So he will be flying a lot but at least we get some quality time. Skype was great but there is nothing like the real thing :-)

As for my running--I worked out pretty good last week only 3 times instead of four but they were all intense and 2 were outside at the lake. I'm totally chilling today unless I get a wild hair which I so don't see happening. I do want to kick it up this week though. Hoping for some really intense workouts at the gym b/c it too damn hot outside! Still striving to reach my goal weight before my procedure starts.

I had a very busy week last week with my girlfriend for her birthday. I was able to get some pampering done and even a hair appt. I saw my family yesterday, went to church and had family dinner. So I'm exhausted, this week will definitely be more low-key...kind of! I plan on enjoying my husband and doing as little as possible. I do have a research group tmrw early afternoon, movies/dinner with my cousin Wednesday evening, going to take care of business with my bro one day this week, dinner with a my GF Onye on Thursday and then a meeting on Saturday. Besides that and work-outs I will be relaxing as much as possible.

Totally not missing work and amazingly on week 3 I'm still busy and not anxious at all! Yay me!

August 9, 2010

Always Something...

It seems like whenever I take 5 steps forward I end up taking 2 steps back. I just can't seem to get ahead with this IVF thing. I'm beginning to think maybe it's truly not meant for me to be a mother. Maybe it's a reason I can't get pregnant naturally. For the last few months I felt like next month is my month...but then something happens so that month moves back one. That one month has ended up being two and it seems like I'm in the mist of move #3. Looks like next month is moving back yet another month. It's just a constant battle of the same ole sh*t and to be honest I'm tired. I'm tired of wanting something that honestly just doesn't seem to want me. I'm tired of crying and stressing....Frankly, I'm tired of being tired.

I just don't think motherhood is in the cards for me.

August 8, 2010

#%#@!&*^%$##@!...and I meant that!

Geeeeeeez I can't express how much I miss my husband! I'm just down right grumpy at this point! It's only been a week since he left after his impromptu visit but Lord what am I going to do with myself?! The crazy thing is I've been pretty busy so it's not like I have a lot idle time.

Take this pass week for instance: Running, dinners with a friend, picked up my 3 yr old nephew on Wednesday for 3 days and we had long play dates every day, swimming, story time at Barnes & Noble, lunches, etc. I dropped him off Friday at 4:00pm and then I kept my infant godson over night. Breakfast at my friend's apartment Saturday morning and that afternoon my other girlfriend came over to spend the weekend. I had a belated birthday massage at a spa, dinner, movie, lots of girl-time and did 6.2 miles(1/2 running-1/2 walking) at the lake with my friend this morning. However, just a moment at the red light can send my mind adrift.

Oh and the nights are horrible, it takes me hours to go to sleep sometimes because my mind is just buzzing. I just don't know how couples do this long-term. I'm not sure how many more weeks will pass until I see him again but what I do know is my patience is running dangerously low. Being the supportive wife sucks ass sometimes! Ugh! I just want to see him and feel him. I just need to be held and cuddled. I miss his scent and his laughter. I just miss him period...

I have an even busier week/weekend this week but I know I'll still catch myself being "fussy" as my husband says. This is so much harder than I thought it would be.

Realization: NY/NJ project blows chunks!

August 2, 2010

Now that that's over!!

Last Friday was my last official day at my firm. I'm on-call till September 30th but I doubt they call me since I do not know the new software and if so it will not be much at all. So now I have more free time to work-out and get my new life in order. I have so much I want to accomplish (I'll fill you all in on that later)!

Hubby was here for a week unexpectedly but flew back to NY early yesterday morning. I miss him already but I'm hoping these next 2 months will fly by. I'm not sure when I'll see him again exactly. He has some deadlines to meet and is going to be extremely busy so going to NY this month is pretty much out of the question. I just don't want to be a distraction and since I'm a bit of a handful I think it's best to be a good wife and stay here. September is the month I'm DEFINITELY starting the IVF process and since I will have to be at the doctor so many times a week I know I will not be traveling. So I guess we are just playing it by ear as to when I will go there or if he can come home for a weekend. It was wonderful having him here though, just being together in our own space and enjoying the day to day.

Now as for my running/cross-training it was non-existent last month. I mean July truly SUCKED in the working out department!! I ran 3.10 miles for the ENTIRE MONTH!!!! Yep I just couldn't get my stuff together--motivation was no where to be found! However I'm back!!! I'm officially back in the gym today and whenever I can squeeze in a 2-a-day I'm going to do that as well!!! My plan is to do my normal 3.10 mile run but also at another point in the day I want to do a mile run for speed build-up and a little cross training. I know it sounds like a lot but it's really not. It takes me about 37 minutes to do 3.10 miles (40 minutes at the longest) and about 12 minutes to do one mile (hopefully quicker). Only about 20 minutes on cross training so even going 2 times a day I'm still barely in the gym a little over an hour! I will probably not do any official runs in August but I will in September I hope to get one or two in before I start the IVF process. I'm not sure if I'm suppose to run during that time or not but I will inquire.

Now off to the gym~