January 25, 2011


They say God never gives you more than you can handle. Well if that's the case he sure is testing my strength and I'm failing miserably. Due to the constant break-downs I'm having I'd say I'm officially at my breaking point and I can't handle anything else. I'm folding under the pressure.

I know now that if I don't give up on my own that I'm going to drive myself crazy. I'm becoming withdrawn and I can feel myself slipping into a depressive state yet again. I was able to dig myself out before but this time around I'm not sure if I can do it. The more I hold on to hope the more I get "reminders" that motherhood just may not be in the cards for me. My fear is if I don't let it go willingly and accept it now that I'm setting myself up for a massive fail later. A fail that will ultimately destroy me and possibly my marriage. So no maternity pictures showing off my baby-bump or decorating a nursery. No pitter-patter of little feet around my house or being called mommy. No yearly family pictures showing off our growing household. No extension of myself or my husband. That's just not going to be our path.

So with that being said on the night of January 24, 2011 I curled up on my sofa alone...sobbed as quietly as possible...and then I "willingly" accepted my defeat.


  1. I can't find your email address...

    I have to ask why are you accepting defeat. Have you been given some new news? I really feel that having something else to put my focus on has really helped me battle the depression. THere are still days that it is hard, but more often than not, I can totally forget about it while I do my day to day activities. I admit, there are times on facebook when it seem that EVERYONE is preggers or having another baby and on those days it's hard... but maybe I just don't need to be on FB as much. Are you still active on the BC boards?? Is that helpful or hurtful?

    I know you have said you are scared of adoption and while I admit, it's a very valid concern, I also think that it could be a good option to consider with your hubby. It doesn't hurt to just consider it. If it's not for you guys then at least you will look back in 10 years and know that you considered all options.

    I'm praying for you over here! I'm here if you want to talk...