January 18, 2011

Imperfect Perfectionist (Part 2)

I've been up since 2:45am and it is now 4:45am....I have some sought of random case of insomnia. It happens when my mind is unable to rest. I know why I'm up this time though...hell I know why I'm up most times. Fertility has been on my mind A LOT and I just can't shake it. In the last two weeks pregnancy has been all over the news celeb-wise. Kate Hudson, Natalie Portman, Jennifer Connelly, Alicia Silverstone, Tia Mowry, Jane Krakowski and Khloe Kardashian is rumored to be PG again. That's just to name a few that I was bombarded with last week alone! Oh and last night I heard Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban just had another daughter via surrogate. Yeah! That was a mouth full! Now I'm happy for all these people but I was like REALLY! The one day I have on entertainment news I get punched in the gut repeatedly. Then I found out one of my FB friends is prego with her second and I'm OVER-JOYED for her b/c she had fertility issues as well. Oh oh and my husband's 21 yr old niece is pregnant with her second child as well.

That brings me back to being a perfectionist but an imperfect one at that! It's hard to not be able to do something that should be natural. It's hard not having that perfect puzzle piece. I just feel so broken. I get tired of being tired about the entire situation but I can't help how I feel. It haunts me which is why I'm always up at the wee hours of the morning. It's times like this I wonder how I'm going to handle it if this never happens for us.

You know I used to wake up at the wee hours of the morning with my nephew and unlike most I loved it. Hearing that cranky little cry was music to me. I'd pick him up and all was right with the world. It didn't bother me that I was sleep deprived the first year of his life. I think I kind of looked forward to "our time". Yeah I had to work the next morning but it didn't matter....time stood still and it was our bonding time alone. Just me and him--the shift nobody wanted but I adored.

I feel like I wake up wishing I was getting up to cuddle my little one instead of surfing the Internet looking for loop-holes in fertility coverage. It doesn't seem fair...it's far from the wants of a perfectionist no matter how imperfect I am. I want to be a mommy but I don't want "the want" to consume me however sometimes I just get swallowed up. I cry a lot....to myself...by myself. Most times while my husband's asleep as to not make him feel helpless. There's no point in both of us being distraught right? Even when I share my feelings, I'm still alone. My own private tragedy that frankly I just try to navigate solely and as graciously as possible. I deal with it on my own in the wee hours of the morning with a tear soaked pillow, or keyboard and quick short breathes. Instead of being up at this time soothing a little one's tears I'm up trying to soothe my own. Imperfect much? Yeah I'd say so...

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