Vacation CANCELLED 😩

Soooooooooooo throughout this very long process Ive had an anniversary trip already planned and paid for-
Not until yesterday (20 days before vacay) when I was on a play date, my friend asked where we were going and I said Playa Mujeres, Mexico. She turned totally white and was like "even with the Zika"!!!!!!
My God! I never thought about Zika this entire time.
I told my husband we had to cancel. I called my RE and my OB for their opinions as well, both suggested I cancel.
After all of the stress with this protocol and with the constant setbacks, I REALLY needed that vacay! But no way in the shit I'm risking anything-

Oh well......I can travel anytime but it's obvious that I can not have a baby anytime I want.

So far for this protocol I had to:
Cancel our Staycation at Great Wolf with our friends
Cancel our trip to Houston for our great niece's birthday
Cancel our Mexico vacation
Miss my nephew's birthday party
Miss our friends' 10 year Anniversary party

There's gotta to be a big blessing in store for us right?🙏🏾

Way to go TERRIFIC TWO!!!

UPDATE:

I just got the call that my "terrific two" grew beautifully and made it to day 3 freeze with no problems. Hallelujah 🙌🏾

I did ask her (the embryologist) why day 3 freeze and she said the same thing as my doctor. Our natural bodies are the best environment for the embryo so there is no need to wait to day 5. Especially being that I only had two embryos. You chance losing viable healthy embryos by stretching it when it's not even necessary (her words). She also said even if my transfer would have been fresh I'd still be doing it today on day 3 to give the embaby the best chance.

So now we wait until my cycle after the next one to start FET prep.

I'm so relieved!!! Thank you Jesus!!!

From 4 to 2

Just got the call that my "final four" are now my "terrific two".  3 matured, 2 fertilized with ICSI and the other one fertilized on it's own. The one that fertilized on its own was abnormal. So now I wait till Saturday to see if they make it to freeze. Still holding out hope-

The final four-

Home from egg retrieval and they got 4 eggs.
My original expected number was 1-2 so I'm happy. They were all from the left ovary (which was the lazy one and a slow starter).  The right ovary was a total no-go. I had about 8 mature follies on that side but Bc the fibroid was huge and attached to the scar tissue from my c-section, they couldn't move it to get those other follies-

Overall I'm happy. I'm hoping they all mature and grow accordingly. We are having them fertilized with ICSI so I'm hoping for the best.

One more shot needed😩

Went in for my blood draw at noon (day before egg retrieval) and At 3:00 I received a call stating my  that my HCG was not as high as they'd like. Hubby had to get one more Ovidrel so I could take it ASAP.

Egg retrieval is still set for the morning though-

Ugh just when I thought no more needles lol

So again I took "my last shot" at 4:30 today-

Now I just have to rest up for retrieval in the morning.

Just pulled the trigger!

I'm SO EXCITED!!! No more shots! We just pulled the trigger at 11:45!
Finally it's over! No more needles 🙌🏾

Missing my mom💔

I just want to share a few words with those that still have their mom.

Always answer her calls because you'll never know when it'll be her last. I get that moms' ramble and talk even more when you're trying to get off the phone, but just deal with it. It's love.

Be appreciative to the woman who stayed up countless nights with you, cooked for you, clothed you, worried about you and prayed for you. Sometimes they can be overbearing, but it's love.

Never worry about what your mom is not, just bask in all that she is.....I use to wish my mom was more adventurous and wanted to travel more. I was always like "mom I WISH you would do this or that". Now I just wish she was here. We don't even have to talk. I could just sit with her and hold her hands.

I miss my mom every.single.day. and being a mom myself now makes me miss her even more. I wish she could see me "get it". It's like I finally get it but she's not here to see it.

I now know why you loved me so fiercely mom and I thank you.

Mother's Day is everyday so if your mom is still here let her know how much she means to you. Because there's no greater love than a mother's love. ❤️

FINALLY moving forward--

Just leaving the doctor
I'm finally moving forward FOR SURE to my egg retrieval Wednesday morning. I have to be there at 9:45 for check-in and prep and then the procedure starts at 10:45.

Today at 3:00 I'll take my LAST injections!!!!!! Only 3 more shots to go (Menopur, Follistim and Ganierelix) then the trigger shot.


I also took three clomid this morning and I'm done with that-

Tonight I take my trigger shot at 11:45pm

I can't believe I'm finally moving on-
I'm still a bit bummed that I have to wait on my transfer but I'm sure it'll go by quickly especially since we have a vacation in September 🙌🏾

Boy do I need it!!! I thought I'd be pregnant on they vacation but I guess that just means I get to have a few cocktails and enjoy my off time, then back to baby business when we return.

Anxious

I'm feeling so anxious about tomorrow's appointment. My last few appointments have all ended in a change-

I guess we'll see if my egg retrieval will finally be Wednesday and if so what will be the number retrieved😱

Im so tired. I really don't even know what to pray for at this point bc I'm so overwhelmed.
I'll just pray for peace and clarity-

Another protocol revision-

Just left my doctor's appointment and today's news was just as unexpected as my last two appointments! Jesus my poor mind is all over the place-

So today my sono still showed all those beautiful mature follicles that I can't touch on the right side but today my left produced some new ones.

This means I may have more than one chance after all. My doctor was so exciting and wants to give those a few more days to grow! So instead of my retrieval being Monday he thinks we should move it to Wednesday. 

However that meant we needed to again buy more medicine!!!! At least another $800-$1000 worth! Tommy shaking his head in agreeance and I'm shaking mine in disbelief.

He also tells me he wants me to add clomid into the regimen for the next few days. 

I was literally so overwhelmed that I just sat staring at him without blinking-

Oh but THE KICKER was he told me he wanted me to just do my retrieval but not the transfer as to give me better chances. So not only move my retrieval date AGAIN, but also added meds and then tells me not to do my transfer! He wants me to wait until my next cycle or the cycle after and transfer with a FROZEN EMBRYO so my uterine lining can have a chance to re-prime due to all the hormones. I was just at a loss of words. REMEMBER MY LAST FROZEN TRANSFER DIDNT SURVIVE THE THAW.

He then follows it up with "if you were my sister id tell you the same thing". He's confident this will be the game changer- 

These changes will give me the best chance for baby #2 Bc at this point we aren't even going to attempt to get the follicles on the right side due to the risk.

So once again we agreed to proceed and follow his suggestions bc after all he is the award-winning Doctor! He's the doctor that mentored my doctor that worked under him when I went through this for Avery-Harper.

I'm just so freaking tired. I don't want to move my retrieval date AGAIN, I don't want to take more meds and have more shots, I don't want to delay my transfer. I just don't understand why it's so hard for some of us but others can just have a baby a the drop of a hat! It's so frustrating. 

The good news is that after my doctor walked back out, he came right back and said we have samples for you so you don't have to buy the expense meds. I only have to buy the clomid which will be less than $25-50 bucks 🙌🏾

He also told me they wouldn't be charging me for the FET. Not sure why he did all that but I'm grateful for sure. So I'm going to move forward and hopefully I can get pregnant and have this child before 40! 😩

Reached my limit

I think I've reached my limit the last two days.
Yesterday evening I broke out in a rash on my lower abdomen where I get all of my injections. My abdomen was totally inflamed and itching like crazy😩😩😩😩😩😩

Then today my boobs reached a soreness that I haven't felt since I was pregnant. I couldn't even wear a bra today bc they were so sore.

Oh and the hormones! At this point I'm a raving bitch. I'm super grumpy and easily annoyed!

I'm so ready to move on! I feel so icky and I'm beyond tired-

Praying this was not all for nothing 🙏🏾

My 1st Miracle is a BIG helper

Yesterday morning I took these photos before 7am before we started our day. This is how my angel helps me out for my morning and evening shots. Avery-Harper has been so involved in this process even though I've tried to keep it from her. I finally gave in and every morning and at night she asks her daddy "is it time to fix mommy". She wants to help so her job is to hold the alcohol pads and hand them to her daddy after each shot. She always warns him "not to hurt mommy" and she tells me "that it'll be ok mommy, it won't hurt. Daddy is going to fix you". During my shots she watches her daddy very closely and she watches my reaction to make sure I'm ok so I try not to grimace. Then after my shots, with no prompting, she comes over and kisses my boo boo (my stomach) and gives me a hug. She's a major part of why I want this so bad. She desperately wants a sibling and constantly asks if the baby is in there yet. I hope and pray that after this protocol (after my first trimester) that I'll be able to tell her "yes the baby is in there sweetheart".   

                                             So tired but she wakes up on her own to do this                                

 She takes her job very seriously which is holding the alcohol pads

 Hubby getting my shots ready

                                           Follistim (blue), Ganirelix (middle) & Menopur

Shot #1

Shot #2 (shot #3 not pictured)

She gets as close as possible to make sure he's careful

                                                           Kiss to make me feel better

And she ends with a hug :)

Should I Cancel.......

Wow.......
I thought Monday's appointment was rough. Well that was because I hadn't made it to today's yet!
After doing my bloodwork, I had my sono and it was still the same problem. All the follies were on the right side with the fibroid which was no Bueno. I only had two on the left side and they weren't as mature as they need to be.

Dr. Le gave a little more insight today as to why trying for the follies on the fibroid side was such a risk.  Basically I have a vein that runs through there which he showed me on the screen. He said he could try to force the needle a bit but if he forced too much and it went though then I could bleed out. My health is first and foremost so neither of us are willing to take that risk.

He told me realistically he can probably get ONE follie from the left side and that would give me ONE chance or I could CANCEL MY PROTOCOL and get a partial refund for the IVF fee which would be $3500 (1/2 of $7000 we paid). So I sat there in tears trying to gather myself and make sense of the devastation I was feeling. Did I really do all this just to have to cancel my protocol????

My husband then took over the convo while I sat in a daze. By the time I returned to my senses the doctor was explaining how he had a woman that had only one follicle as well and now she's pregnant with it. So yes it is possible.

He suggested I keep stim-ing for 3 more days until Saturday then come back in for another sono and move my egg retrieval to Monday. That meant I needed to buy 2 more Menopur ( I actually needed three but they gave me one for today's dose) and 3 Ganirelix. Which after calling the pharmacy came up to another $550 (with a discount)!

After catching my breathe and wiping my tears, We decided to move forward. Buying more meds today and praying everything works out. No point of coming this far just to turn back now. I at least want to know, whether it works or not, that I gave it my all.

One or NONE?

I just returned from my doctor's appointment and today's news wasn't that great. My left side is still causing problems due to the fibroids that are covering my follicles. My left side is most active and has the most follies but my doctor said it will be really hard to get to them because they are under the fibroids. Fibroids apparently are hard and needles can't penetrate them. He basically told me it looks like I may have ONE good follicle that has matured in size on my right side. He's hoping he will be able to get in there and find more but he doesn't want me to have high expectations.

He told me he may get a few if he's lucky but mostly likely only one or quite possibly NONE. Hearing him say that was a punch to the gut for sure. Did I really just spend all this money and go through all of this for nothing? I'm trying to remain optimistic but that is not what I wanted to hear. I'm praying for a miracle. Praying that we get our second (or second and third) child.

I don't go back until Wednesday and I will be taking my trigger shot Wednesday evening then my retrieval should be Friday morning. Prayers Needed-

So over this-

Rough morning-
Just leaving my doctor appointment for another sono and more bloodwork.
I'm really emotional today. Today is the first day for tears bc I'm starting to get nervous, stressed, anxious etc..... Not to mention I'm super sore. My stomach is bruised and riddled with injection marks. Let's not forget the lovely F'ing wand at my doctor's office which is just awful. I hate that thing. I really hate this entire process. It's just not fair-

The appointment went well I guess-
Follies are there and growing, fibroid may cause problems during retrieval but we will see.
It looks like a may need to reorder some meds which is totally bumming me out. I may need more Menopur and possibly more Follistim. The two most expensive freaking drugs and there's still $500 to pay for the anesthesia.

I'm just feeling blue today-
I'm so tired of these shots and feeling like crap. My appointments are in the morning so they are screwing up my workouts. I'm just ready for this to be over. Praying that it works the first time!

Looking Good-

Just leaving my appointment-
Had my blood drawn and a sonogram-
Things are going well. I had a lot of good sized follicles. On the right side however my fibroid is blocking a lot of my follicles so my doctor said it'll be a hard retrieval on that side. He's hoping my ovary will get heavy and push my fibroid down. We will see how it goes. I'm currently on Day5 of Stims and at my appointment my doctor told me to go home and take a full dose of ganierelix starting today and each morning for the next few days.
I go back in for another sono this Saturday and more bloodwork-

My egg retrieval should be next Thursday or Friday then bed rest.
The embryo transfer will be the following Tuesday or Wednesday morning. I'm so excited that everything is moving along in the right direction.

Stims have started!!!

Saturday morning I went in for a sono and a another stim medication teaching since its been so long due to my protocol delays.  Everything looked well and I had a good amount of follicles on each side.
I went ahead and paid the remaining $1000 for ICSI plus a $60 fee for a previous lab that I hadn't paid for.

On Sunday morning I started my stim meds. I had to take 150ml of Follistim and Menopur in the AM  and the same dosage in the PM. I also changed my Minivelle patch Sunday night.

As for the shots, they weren't that bad. You could definitely feel the medication and I had slight redness on both sides.

I go back to the doctor Thursday morning for more blood work and instruction on the remaining stim meds and timeline.

Damn Minivelle Patch

Sooooooo today I got home from the gym to find that my Minivelle patch (that's supposed to be changed every 4 days) had rolled up like a burrito😩
I'm assuming it was due to my workout because I work out 3-5 times a week and I sweat a lot!
I called my doctor's office and they told me I needed to change it. I moved the location down to right above my vaginal area and I'm not sure it's going to work out-

I feel like this is going to be really problematic. I need this estrogen dammit!

Finally Moving Forward🙌🏾

FINALLY my progesterone levels are high enough! I just got the call from my doctor! My levels were at a 9.2 which was great bc I needed to be over an 8. After three months of setbacks I started my ganierelix and minivelle patch TONIGHT!!!!! We are off to the races people! 🙌🏾😄

So the injection was ok, the needle was short and thin and my hubby was quick. The medicine now that burned a bit. After the injection I put on my Minivelle patch which I'm suppose to change every 4 days.

I also have a sonogram Saturday morning at 8:15 to check the progress-
I'm so excited, anxious, happy and nervous. I'm pretty much every emotion under the sun.