April 19th..The day I lost my mom.

I've been trying to write this blog for what seems like a year. The thought of it always sent me into a fit of tears. However, writing is therapeutic and I just have to get through it. I'm going to make this pretty short, shorter than that day was for me.

On Tuesday, April 19, 2011 my mom passed away very unexpectedly. I spoke to her that morning at 8:30am, but I had to cut the conversation really short because I was walking into my office. We chatted like two minutes about Easter and hiding eggs for my nephew. I told her I'd call her back around lunch-time so we could finish up the plans. I never spoke to her again after that. My dad and sister got home about 1:30pm and she was on the couch looked to be napping but she was gone. Her heart just stopped. Nothing disturbed in the home, no struggle, nothing. That was the most devastating day of my life. My mom gone. How could this be she wasn't sick, she was strong and always ready for a party or a day out on the town. My mom and my dad had just went to a jazz festival that Friday, she hung out Saturday with her sisters church on Sunday...just like normal so how could this be?

She was diagnosed with Congested Heart Failure like 10 years ago but she took meds daily and had just had a Dr. appt about 2 weeks before and she was fine. My mom turned 57 on March 1st and was gone from our lives one month and 18 days later.

My mom was so vibrant not sickly at all. Loved her family and was the core of our lives. I regret so many things about that last conversation...I didn't say I love you when we got off the phone and I was rushing her off b/c I had to get to work. I would have told her so many things had I known our time was so limited.

The words "shocked to the core" pale in description when I think of losing my mom. I was not prepared to navigate life without her. I knew she wasn't immortal but I just never thought I'd lose my mom this early in life. She was my longest relationship, my first love so to think she would leave me like that is unbearable. I still cry everyday at some point of the day....not all day but every.single.day.

I pray for strength and understanding b/c I'm angry that she is gone. I know I'll make it through because she raised me to be strong and resilient. Even with that upbringing I'm still human. She was my mom...this is just something I could have never prepared for in a million years.

I don't know what I'm going to do without her. I miss her every.single.day.