July 9, 2012

Happy Birthday to me but I miss you mom

I woke up this morning with a heavy heavy heart and my eyes immediately filled with tears. My mom was so heavily on my mind. It's like she was there.  This is my second birthday without her. A big birthday, my 35th birthday.....

I just miss her so much. I have so much I want to tell her and so much I'd like to do with her. Mom, I miss your daily phone calls and check-ins. We spoke on the phone every morning and through-out the day for check-ins and there are days I'm driving to work and I just want to call you so bad mom. I just want to hear your voice.

I already received the greatest gift for my birthday b/c I'm expecting, however it sure would be nice to share this with my mom. She was on this 4 year journey with Tommy and I and she was SO excited about me, her first born, finally wanting children. She talked about it all the time and now that we are finally pregnant she's not here to be a part of it. It's just so bittersweet. I know it'll get easier with time and know I was blessed to have her in my life for as long as I did, but it's just so hard to say goodbye. I miss all of your phone calls, and the jokes you'd try to tell but you always messed up the punch-lines. I miss your extreme planning for holidays that were months away, all of our family dinner and family days. We are really trying to stay close-knit without you mom but it's so hard to be in your house with all your things. It's hard to see daddy without you, he's still so lost and grief-strickened. It's just hard trying to lead normal lives without you around. Oh and days like this...our birthdays where you made such a fuss and treated all of us like we were still young children. We miss that. We miss your unconditional and sometimes overwhelming love for us.

I was so lucky to have you mom, I just didn't know how lucky at the time. Even though we were very close I just hope you really knew how much I truly truly loved you. I hope I told you enough and showed you enough. You were the first and greatest love of my life. My everyday. My inspiration for the woman I am. You taught me everything I know in the 33 years of my life before you passed. I sincerely hope I'm making you proud b/c you always made me proud. I love you mom and I still miss you every.single.day.

I can't wait to make my children's birthdays as special as you made mine.

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