Shortly after I posted my first blog entry today I got some news.
Good news? I guess to some.
A relative is pregnant. Was she "trying"...not to my knowledge but...
It's hard to be excited for her when the first thing that popped into my mind was me.
Wrong? Some might think so but for me this has been a very long two in a half years.
I have the ideal situation in my opinion. A loving husband who is a partner and who will be a wonderful dad, financially sound and totally ready for a family. However having to jump through hoops when others don't can be a bit hard to swallow at times.
I kept it together through-out our conversation, cracked a few jokes, showed interest and concern all while crying silently on the other end of the phone.
It honestly made me lose my breath. While on the phone with her my husband skyped in from his office here. Why skype at that time..no idea. I told her I'd call her back (I didn't). My husband could see I was upset. I told him what had transpired and he of course apologized and felt helpless. It was awkward. I was embarrassed at my reaction but couldn't pull it together. I said my standard I don't want to talk response which was "I'm OK, it's no biggie". I told him I'd call him back (I didn't). Then my brother called...same scenario but by then I was crying so hard I could barely get my words out. Once again it was awkward. I was embarrassed at my reaction but couldn't pull it together. I said my standard I don't want to talk response which was "I'm OK, it's no biggie" and then I said I'd call him back (I didn't).
I went to the restroom and cried hysterically for what seemed like forever. I cleaned my face and then took a 4 hour nap and that's all I have to say about that.....