Shortly after I posted my first blog entry today I got some news.
Good news? I guess to some.
A relative is pregnant. Was she "trying"...not to my knowledge but...
It's hard to be excited for her when the first thing that popped into my mind was me.
Wrong? Some might think so but for me this has been a very long two in a half years.
I have the ideal situation in my opinion. A loving husband who is a partner and who will be a wonderful dad, financially sound and totally ready for a family. However having to jump through hoops when others don't can be a bit hard to swallow at times.
I kept it together through-out our conversation, cracked a few jokes, showed interest and concern all while crying silently on the other end of the phone.
It honestly made me lose my breath. While on the phone with her my husband skyped in from his office here. Why skype at that time..no idea. I told her I'd call her back (I didn't). My husband could see I was upset. I told him what had transpired and he of course apologized and felt helpless. It was awkward. I was embarrassed at my reaction but couldn't pull it together. I said my standard I don't want to talk response which was "I'm OK, it's no biggie". I told him I'd call him back (I didn't). Then my brother called...same scenario but by then I was crying so hard I could barely get my words out. Once again it was awkward. I was embarrassed at my reaction but couldn't pull it together. I said my standard I don't want to talk response which was "I'm OK, it's no biggie" and then I said I'd call him back (I didn't).
I went to the restroom and cried hysterically for what seemed like forever. I cleaned my face and then took a 4 hour nap and that's all I have to say about that.....
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Girl? If I had $10 for every time I've cried over another person's pregnancy, I'd have a VERY NICE pair of shoes right now.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. I've SO BEEN THERE. I'm still there somedays... pregnancy announcements STILL get me sometimes. I have so many friends that get knocked up the first month they try and I just want to rip all my hair out and throw something when I hear about it.
BUT.
I try to remind myself that I have so many amazing things in my life that those people don't have. I think in life that everyone has their "lumps," right? And fertility deficiency just happens to be ours. So I try to remember all the awesome things I have like a wonderful, loyal husband, a beautiful home and a strong mind and spirit. Plus? If I hadn't had to wait 2 years until I finally got knocked up, I wouldn't have the specific child I have today and she truly is my greatest joy in life. I wouldn't trade her for the world.
BUT. It is ok to cry! You're human! And you have a mother's spirit and I honestly think that when God gives someone a mother's spirit, they are meant to have children. You will someday.
Wow Mel you just made me cry a river.
ReplyDeleteYou are SO right though I do have a great life.
My husband is the end all to be all in my opinion! Loyal, passionate, driven and sucessful. I have a great crazy family, a beautiful nephew who I adore and a trendy fabulous life and can do whatever I choose. I have my health, mental and physical. So my cross to bear is my infertility and with science I have a chance to change that. So you are right! I know I will have my down days but I have a pretty quick snap-back! Thanks for reminding me of all my blessings Mel! You Rock!