Some days you must cry...a lot.

Six weeks from today our baby girl is supposed to be born. I'm excited, nervous and a bit weepy. I've been weepy since this morning. Maybe it the hormones who knows.....

I have my first baby shower tomorrow in Houston with my husband's family and some of my family from Beaumont. I should be excited but all I can think is "wow my mom will not be there".
My best friend is throwing me a shower the following Saturday on the 26th and my mom will not be there either. The very next weekend on Feb 2nd my cousins are throwing me a shower and once again my mom will not be there either. I already know it's going to make me emotional because right now she'd be over moon with excitement. As much as I'm thankful for my family and friends it's just so bittersweet. I can't believe she is not here even though I live her absence everyday, I see the constant reminders, pictures, expressions. I answer the same questions from my nephew. He already knows the answers but I feel like he thinks if he asks them enough maybe I'll say something different. I want to say something different.  Especially when he asks "is granny coming back",  I want to yes but I can't. I try not to be sad during these inquiries because I don't want him to be sad.

Today I gave my nephew a birthday party in his classroom because he turns six on Sunday. He was so excited to see me. I know if my mom were here she would have been right there with me. This Sunday when we return from Houston I'm picking up my nephew from his mom's and we are having a party at Chuck e Cheese.  Why Chuck e Cheese because that's where he wants to go. Out of all the super cool places I've taken him to he wants to go to Chuck e Cheese. I don't question it because I know why he wants to go.... that's one of the last places he went with my mom. He tells me about it all the time. He knows exactly which Chuck e Cheese it was but most importantly he knows that she was there. So as long as he wants to go, I will take him.

I have so many pictures of Key and my mom. It saddens me that I will never have any of my mom and my child(ren). In the words of my bestie.....I can tell my child "my oh my she would have enjoyed you". I would have enjoyed that sight. My mom holding my child, smelling her neck and head, you know just breathing her in like she was intoxicating. Dressing her up like a doll and doing her hair. She would have been so proud. Sometimes I wonder did I have to lose my mom to gain my child? Did I only get the courage to pursue this finally because she passed away? Why didn't I do this three years ago when my mom was here?

I just have a hole in my heart and there are days like today that I just fall into it. Maybe because it makes me feel closer to her. Maybe because I allow myself to miss her openly. I try so hard to be positive for my baby because I don't want her to feel my grief. I want to protect her because it's my job, because I'm her mother. However there are times where I just want my mother. I just want to talk to her, to see her face, hear her laugh. I just want any day before April 19, 2011.