2014 Holiday Card

  

Avery-Harper 21mos and Keyshawn 7 

                                              

Our first moments...

Yesterday was "Throwback Thursday" and I have the best throwback memory ever! The birth of my daughter but my most precious memory is of our first moments together.  Due to the fact that I had a C-section I was pretty out of it.  I remember seeing her as soon as she came out for like a millisecond! I didn't touch her, I just briefly saw her then she was swept away because she had swallowed fluid.  I didn't see her again in person until 6 hours later as I was rolled past the nursery.  I didn't get to physically hold her until about 8 hours after her birth and those moments were the most precious moments of my life.

In light of losing our last embryo, I've come to the realization that I may never experience that feeling again. It was a high that can never be duplicated. I still hope to have another child but if that never transpires, I won't complain. I am extremely blessed and grateful for my miracle, Miss Avery-Harper Merlyn Hill! She is "enough" for all of my dreams. She was created in love and she will be raised in love, as she is the purest definition of our love. She is God's gift and I'm amazed by her each and every moment of every day.  Thank you God for my child.

Nope it wasn't a bad dream

In my bed with no energy. I have all my curtains drawn, I'm still in my pajamas and bathrobe and I don't see that changing anytime soon. I've probably eaten 5 fruit roll-ups so I'm in a semi sugar coma.

(Sigh)......I'm just feeling some kind of way.  I'm still shocked and sad about yesterday's news.  It's still so surreal that everything just stopped so abruptly.  I of course knew of the risks but I didn't even get a chance to try. I didn't get to see if my body would miraculously welcome our embryo and this beautiful baby would start to grow just like our Avery-Harper.  It's so hard to dead a dream that you already started living.  I'm hoping to be in better spirits soon because this is a low low point in my life right now.

I can say this though, my daughter has brighten my outlook majorly and her existence alone helps me cope.  Avery-Harper came home last night from her godmother's and gave me lots of love, hugs and kisses. She must have known I needed it.  Plus I could tell she really missed me and that made me feel great.  I was hoping I'd get out today and try to feel normal but I think I'll try maybe tomorrow.  I'm just not feeling like myself yet.

Praying for peace and healing.  

The call that changed everything-

So at approximately 11:20am I got the call stating that our last embryo, our last hope for baby #2 did not survive the thawing.  The call was very surreal. From what I can recall the embryologist said that when trying to flush the embryo through the straw it just kind of came apart.  She said that can happen which is why we are informed before we start the process. I knew it was a risk.  I just wasn't prepared for that call.  I mean who would be?  I'm totally and utterly devastated but I also know I'm blessed to have my miracle Avery-Harper.  However I'm human and I can't pray away my disappointment.  I can't stop my tears because I already loved this child.  I already had hopes for this bundle. I already had names considered. I already started to imagine my bump and the beauty of experiencing another pregnancy.

So as of now I just sit here drenched in my own tears and missing the baby I never got a chance to meet.  I don't really know how to feel because I loved my child already.  People who know the infertility journey may understand this easier than others.

It's hard for me to process right now but in due time I will.

My FET is today!!!!!

OMG!!! Today is the day people!!! My FET is at 2:30 and I'm SO FREAKING NERVOUS! For the last 5 days my medication has been greatly increased! I've been taking 11 doses of meds plus I add estrogen patches every 3-4 days.  It's a lot!!!!! However this is our path to baby #2! I'm praying for a successful transfer and a successful, happy, healthy and scare-free pregnancy!!! Here's to baby #2!!